So, I am starting a collection of English "rules" that are helpful in the classroom. These are little tidbits that...welll...I make up as I go along. For instance: did you know that 'were' always comes before a verb in the -ing form? Or that the definite article "the" always accompanies a noun if you can see the noun in question? Nevermind silly sentences like "I like running" or "Look at that whale whose name is
Mr Splashy Pants": these are nonsensical because they do not follow the fundamental laws of Winglish.
Here is a sample of the Winglish contract I present to my students after they recognize how special my treatment of the English language is:
Rule number 1:
NEVER, under any circumstances, question the rule-making expertise of your English teacher.
Rule number 2:
Refrain from mentioning rules that are taught to you in class to any outside parties who command an equal or more advanced understanding of the English language as/than yourself.
Rule number Three:
When writing numbers with "less than one syllable" (so spoketh the prophet) always spell the number with conventional Roman letters. [this rule is especially applicable to mute and/or hearing impaired students].
Rule number 4A:
When a word ends in -ed, it is in the past. (Little known fact: you can never really see 'red' only the impact it leaves on the world, kind of like dark matter.)
Rule number 4B:
Words ending in -ed always have a soft 't' sound at the end. (I have yet to meet a student who has commanded this rule and has remained unappreciated by native speakers.)
Rule number 5:
Saying you 'used to' do something is akin to making a squiggly line above a straight line and drawing random Xs in red pen.
Rule number 6:
never underestimate the importance of a new vocabulary word such as: sterilization, witch-doctor, masturbation, decapitation, freak-out, stewardess, and animal sacrifice.
Rule number 7:
The most important uses of English are often the most bizzarre, such as describing the pain of coffee burns in the genital region to medical personnel and arguing for the prohibition of Amazonian hallucinogens.
Rule number 8:
Perhaps the most important rule to remember: in Englsih, words are not spelled like they sound. (period)
Rule number 9:
If a word ends in the letter 'e' then the correct pronunciation of the word is made by saying the English name of every vowel in the word. For instance, plan and pl-A-ne, bit and b-I-te, courage and....C ooo...uuuu....r...A-ge [Good job! just say it faster...so no one can tell what you are saying.]
Rule number 10:
There is no word in the English language than cannot be adequately explained through some variety of flailing hands and arms and the shaking of the head.
So there are only ten rules so far...more are certainly to come as lessons continue.
In other news:
There is a severe gypsy problem in the Czech Republic. Although I have never seen one, the locals swear that they are born and bred thieves, pimps, murderers and scallywags. According to my colleague in the field, the beautiful Bethany Scharnowske, 'times is hard' for gypsy folk and they supplement their income through the illegal smuggling of pheasant carcasses.
A genie lives in the subway station near my apartment. He wears all neon orange clothing (sweatpants, tunic, turban [honestly, a real turban] and slip on sneakers) and digs through the morning garbage for the daily newspaper. He has eluded my camera's eye so far but I am hot on his trail. I am orchestrating a sting operation wherein I will throw away a newspaper and wait nearby with a bronze oil lamp with which to capture the unsuspecting Arabic refugee.
More pictures are coming soon. There really is a lot to see; the dark dirtiness of this European pearl is intriguing.
