Narrow Japan

Narrow Japan.  I didn't come to japan to be in japan.  i came here to meet the teacher.

I’ve been to the top of this country, from all angles.  the highest building, in a fine suit, still has a ceiling above it.  the snow peaked volcano screaming wind doesn’t let us stay.  standing on the veranda of a million dollar apartment with nothing but soft rain clouds above, smokestacks and skyscrapers surround me.  here i can say, goodbye grey skies (goodbye).  

it isn’t just this country but the whole of what it means to be a man.  we have this life, which is a rare and random gift,; yet we seek to put it towards some marginal task or cautiously aligned plan.  we try to fit the form of a horse into the digits and frames of our narrow minds.  there is so much fullness far beyond the necessary conditions*(wikilink to logical jargon).  there is so much more to being a man than the criterion we have crafted.  

it begs the question…who crafted it?

in the past, it was nature who crafted the roles. then chiefs, kings or more dauntingly powerful yet, the priests who melded in the collective mind ideas of caste, role, and goodness.  now, in this utilitarian democracy, we ourselves have set the limits on what it means to be men.  we draw lines and act proud when we rise above them, and put on a strong face when we fall below them.  but these lines are just a squarely wrought illusion.  there are no limits on what we are if we choose to disobey.

i will struggle with things in the coming days, months and years - until i die no doubt.  i will struggle with letting go of luxuries and comforts.  but this is nearsighted.  the pain of holding on is far worse than the pain of being without.  i will struggle with failing to fulfill the role society bestows upon me.  i was told, by a 40 something female white politician (D), quite literally, “you have nothing to worry about, you are a young white male”.  what does this mean?  how can such parameters be the solution?  are these laurels I’ve earned?  or are they just another box to check off, a bubble to circle in, a suit to fill?  isn’t it just the role of an alpha* in this cowardly world?  don’t we all fret over where and who we are even as the sun sets through mist swept mountain far over the ocean?

…

am i far away? or have i just arrived here?  i always face a warped wall when entering a different country.  it is image and illusion dissolving and rebuilding again.  it is the mirage from a different angle on a different day.  it is a gap in the crystalized delusion that somehow passes for reality that opens up to a space between worlds where definitions are no longer in charge.

some of my thinking up until now may reflect a sour grapes philosophy.  but i have also thrown down sweet grapes, countless times, in favor of …

what exactly is it that i am doing here?  it is not greatness it is not profound.  it is the footprints of sages and philosopher and idealists and lone forgotten men who lived yesterday and eons ago.  it is a different way, not necessarily full of adventure, but no devoid of it.  it is a different lens rather than a different scene.  i have no idea, as the monkey mind punching the keys, just where my wild horses of thought are running, or where my ox of a heart is wandering.

it isn’t about living in the present moment.  i have serious issues with this shallow cresting wave.  i thinknthis power of now movements is cheap; it is icing on hedonism and lack of forethought, it is the sugar in the rum.  i am not just living in the now, i am now.  we are now.  but we are also scattered amidst the hours.  we can be here but be fragmented.  we can pull ourselves this way and that.  we can be nearsighted and fearful.. we can be judgmental and hateful.. we can be bitter and cold.  we can be lost and alone.  we can be all these things right now, so it isn’t being here now, it is being WHAT right here now.  and this takes practice.  most people are good people when asked about it, most people know the answers when prompted by the question.  but without a question, who remembers every moment?  who reminds themselves where we is is far beyond shape and form?

bunch of crazy mountain hippies, probably.

-t

ps.

"being humble is being teachable.  all of the greatest things i ever learned in this life, i learned after i knew it all."

-El Jeffe PCT hiker 2013.

pps. 

there once was a time i wasn’t so incendiary, and there was a time before that in which i was.  the fruit of pushing though this hellfire of thought is coming to the clearing in which language is seen for what it is: a way to exercise power in the world.  when i regain my balance, i expect my language to once again return to its role as healer, soother, inspirer, and pacifier.  but for now, it reflects the fire that burns through the night at the base of the mountain when there is no moon in the sky.  

A Chemical Aroma and the Life of π

20 years ago a cult led by a hodgepodge Japanese guru released sarin gas on the metro in Tokyo killing and maiming commuters.  The recruits were drawn to the guru though his philosophy - which was loosely based on yoga, buddhism, hinduism, taoism and stitched together other elements of mystic and sensational traditions.  In this cult, named Aum, the long-bearded portly guru clearly laid out the rules and direction towards fulfillment.  He was promising to fill the hole in the otherwise grey despair of the modern urban plight faced by so many undirected youth at the time.  The history of these attacks, as well as of the cult itself, is widely available online.  Perhaps most disheartening is that an ongoing surveillance of the remaining cult spinoffs, who still worship the now death row guru, is turning up reports of continued recruitment and continued growth...(although the cult now goes by the name Aleph instead of Aum...a rose by any other name would smell just as deadly.)

Is it the case that there will always be whackos who aim to harm others?  Is violence and extremism really the best form of bonding among fringe groups?  is anti-social behavior important for some people?  I suggest that this type of behavior is just an expedient to achieve solidarity in place of any real substance.  If that is true, then the remedy is finding solidarity in substance.  and if THATis true, we have to find substance, and to understand what it means.  This is the root of a true religion - which, dishearteningly, is the title Aum gave to itself (lit. Aum True Religion).  Lets try to leave off the Aum part.

And while we are at it, lets leave off the Buddhist part as well,or the Christian part, Abrahamic, Hindu...and so on.  Keep it shaved down with the razor of simplicity to the real necessities.  So, what is the substance void of form?  What is a religionless religion?  What is truth without words?

---

So, paradoxically but refreshingly, it seems we have to all touch this substance without having another hand it to us through concepts (which is, in this shaved down form, impossible by nature).  Therefore, the question becomes: what is the way to touch this substance?  Now we have some practical way to see for ourselves.  Some practical practice (entomologically interesting) This is the ship that sails across the Ocean.  But once the ship has taken us there, it is best as firewood.

This format can be understood as Two Truths.  One truth is yours, your vessel, your life.  It can be dancing, mountain climbing, or sitting on your butt facing a wall.  It is your boat - built to your body and mind.  The second truth is what you find when you get to the other shore.

:::

This all reminds me of the last substantial (once again, linguistically interesting considering the topic I am addressing is substance) - the last substantial conversation I had with my brother before leaving for life in a monastery.  He asked me, most positively jokingly and mockingly, "So, What is the Meaning of Life?"  I think this is sort of like screaming out "Play Freebird!!!" at a concert, but it can lead to some discussion.  This particular day we used our logic to unfold this loaded question.

What
Is
the Meaning of
Life

//

first becomes:

What
Is
Life?

Here we divide things into Two Truths; life is all LIFE, which we likened to the mathematical nature of circles and life is Your life, which we likened to a numerical solution.

πr^2=A
2πr=C

Let us liken the Area to the depth of one`s life and the Circumference to the limits of one`s life.

Without any numerical measurements, we only have variables and one irrational constant(π).  This is still a formula for What Life Is.  But, before we can say with any useful certainty what YOUR LIFE is, we need to take some measurements; we need to measure for the radius.  The radius emanates from your center, from the center of your life.  It is the measure of who you are in relation to what life is.  To answer both inquiries into the nature of LIFE and life, one needs to measure themselves.

This leads to the next relevant step, in the form of a question, "how do you measure your own self?" or, "How do you come to know yourself?"  How do you find your own radius?to which I responded, "I am not exactly sure, but I have an idea of someone who might know, so I am going to visit him." 

In this response is seeded the very essence of the whole question, the MEANING OF LIFE is to find the meaning of life.  It is the formulaic circle becoming a numeric circle.  It is the potential becoming the actual.  It is the something from nothing.  and it is all calculated though examining the relationship of the finite with a totally irrational and infinite radical π.

Spring Sunrise

In my comfortable bed
in a comfortable room

67 degrees farenheit

in clean clothes

with a walk in closet

a large wide tub

full of fragrant water

i slip into dreams and bubbes of silk-threaded fantasy

and sleep, sleep easily through afternoons 

Scarcely taking the time to awaken to the life before me.

Too much comfort makes me soft.  I know it is not necessary to have quilted sheets: Sleeping with cacti and cold iron ore, in drafty driftwood shacks, on packed dirt floors. I have learned through discomfort that there is a tremendous depth of adaptability in each one of us.  It has been a long time since I have explored just how deep the changes can be.  

Although I am not driven to shave my head and run off alone, like a spark off of a magnesium flint burning 3200 degrees; I have a subtler, more persistent kind of flame now based on faith and understanding.  

I never thought I would have faith in anything; in actuality what I avoided was BLIND faith.  Faith gained through experience is a different kind of paradigm for decision making.  Even through every trial is blind, here we can see the accumulated data and have faith that the next set of circumstances will produce a similar result.

So what is my input into these trials?  Un-defiled nature.  It works miracles on joy and ease and health.  Un-defiled intentions.  They make you pleasant and open and free.  Hard work.  It makes you strong, honorable and well rested.  Community.  They make you able to endure and gives meaning to the plight.  

Pure nature is it's own reward; it is the full recompense for staying alive.  Pointless nature is the treasure in this very life.

A clear mind, one without schemes or ideas of gain, allows us to act without conflicting cognitive dissonance.  This is the precepts and the three marks.

Hard work is part of being a man.  It is part of my culture, my family and my body.  Sweat cleanses, hard work makes good luck and between men and women, labor bonds.

Community is the next step on my path of discovery.  It is here I have the most to learn.  

There is always more hope at the beginning of things

No shortcomings or failures;

Only  your outlook

Which is chilly and rosy as the Spring sunrise

Cynicism, Freedom, and Responsibility

"If you’re going to deal with reality, you’re going to have to make one big discovery: Reality is something that belongs to you as an individual. If you wanna grow up, which most people don’t, the thing to do is take responsibility for your own reality and deal with it on your own terms. Don’t expect that because you pay some money to somebody else or take a pledge or join a club or run down the street or wear a special bunch of clothes or play a certain sport or even drink Perrier water, it’s going to take care of everything for you. Because it all comes from inside. As a matter of fact, that’s where it stays.






-Frank Zappa






Some people are called rogue because they are stubborn enough to get off the crazy train of consumerist culture. Raw vigorous life at the forefront of one's own decisions. There is no ticket to buy; There is no ride - it's a walk. We leave the carriage car and use our two feet. Walking is a true adventure wherein every step is a decision of will.



Just don't listen blindly to anyone without first reconsidering their particular vantage point. This way compassion arises with refusal. Understand your own shortcomings, trust what you have, and realize it is not absolute. If you can do better, do. Until then, do your best. If you don't change the road you're on / You'll end up where you're going. Only you will know and only you can appreciate it when you arrive. There is no definitive, demarcated line of success in the world.



Everything is fine. No idea what the future holds; never did. Never will.



The spirit is flesh and bone / if you don't bleed the blood of love you'll end up all alone.



Just try


Just breathe


Just feel


Just think


Just cook


Just clean


Just work


Just chew


Just listen


Just speak


Just practice


There is no performance


It's all practice



If you get lost,


Just ask


If you ask, just answer



Just remember


Just forget



Just yes


Just no



Just sit



Just, just!



...






I find it valuable to ratchet my understanding into these static rivits from time to time, just to have a handle with which to climb backwards down the rungs in the ladder of my personal development.






*I know nothing. The only firm grip is on the seeming. it seems as it seems, andfeels as it feels. This is the indisputible. I don't know where the way leads, only recently am I learning to follow it. It isn't about happiness, not about supernatural abilities, nor even excellence. It is accepting life as it is. Everyone says it, but much easier to say than to do.






*How to do it is to practice. Practice is zazen. I have no idea why it works. I have no idea what it working even means. It might be that I just want to have faith that something is worthwhile, and I picked at random this randomly praised activity; but it doesn't seem so. I've tried giving meaning to temporal things before, and it always bothered me deep down in side and I couldn't ignore it. Flowers bloom in the mists of dawn, as we sit when the gravity pulls us to our cushion.






*What is different about zazen is that it isn't a thing. It is bigger than thoughts, or activities, or ideas. But it isn't big. It isn't a size, it is a non-size. Everything exists within zazen, within nothingness. Approaching nothingness causes the space around to ripple. Red apples to blind Susan.






*There is no hand to open, there is no letting go. There is no me to hold or release, only a gradual softening of the tense fibers of metalicised utiltarian lifestylings.






*I am not programmed to be a winner on a genetic scale: although the capability is there to breed, it is offset by the contemplation of such a decision.



*Vegetarianism leaves me feeling light, cheerful and energized. My metabolism is quick and efficient, my breaths are effortless and pleasurable. My body is at ease. I feel strong.






*My left knee hurts in a way that feels structural. It worries me that I have damaged it walking alone across the Earth. But because my knee took me over the mountains, I can sit knowing well what is on the other side.






*It is important to know which parts of oneself to listen to, and how to remember. Writing is the only tool I know of that can cut through the fog of emotionally laden -mis-remembering. There is so much rosy colored light surrounding what were ostensibly the hardest and darkest times in my life. Yet, it was sharpening a spirit on a grindstone...to cut what?






**Gaining is delusion, losing is enlightenment.






*it all comes down to you, constant stranger.