"No, I don't know for sure...it's wind man, it blows all over the place!"
I've been lying dormant - just null enough in comfort and laziness. Sometimes the hardest step is from zero to one and the help of an external force is all it takes to get the ball rolling. The earthquake at GEOS got something moving in me. A combined laziness/energy has been awakened - a force willing to work really hard to not have to work. Like a shark catching the first sniff of fish blood, im in a change frenzy.
The first night after the mass-firing I packed all my suits and other clothes worth keeping in two big backpacks and put them in the tub for shipment back to the US. I cut up a few of my ties with scissors, threw my leather shoes away at a convenience store trashcan and made a hood out of one of my suit coats.
I sewed some secret pockets on the interior of my jeans and began the process of cutting down on possessions.
I feel a sticky greasy weight, frustrated like the smeary dirtiness of pubescent pores, all caused by having all this STUFF all around me. I can't get rid of it soon enough. On the train back from Tokyo I made a sketch of my baggage allotment for the flight out of this world: one burlap shoulder bag and a guitar case; one pair of clothes, sandals and a few plastic cards.
The shift was extreme and sudden. In the morning I was planning lessons and was thoroughly prepared to work in a calm and standardized environment for another half a year. By the evening I was tearing my life limb from limb in search of the cool breeze of freedom. Once again, the bell rings for me somewhere out there - a Siren's death lure most certainly.
And the dream is still alive, to push it further and further into unknown limits until I undoubtedly fall over the edge of whatever I currently am.
More details as they become existent. Right now, it's a race to shed this snakeskin of a life and begin anew washed in the comforting winds of chaos.
---
I've been having these short dreams, right after waking up.
I look at my hand and I can see right through its flesh into the dead matter. I look up into the sky out of my window and whisper to myself "you are going to die". And for a brief second I really know it.
Yet, in this dream of reality - in it I am dancing.
Dancing, somehow - insignificant and underwhelming.
Dancing only as long as the music lasts,
and if I have any power in me as a man,
I'll be movin' to my own tune.
"Why do they always teach us that it is easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It is the hardest thing in the world - to do what we want - and it takes the greatest kind of courage."
