Decisions

Unlimited possibilities are not suited to man; if they existed, his life would only dissolve in the boundless. To become strong, a man's life needs the limitations ordained by duty and voluntarily accepted. The individual attains significance as a free spirit only by surrounding himself with these limitations and by determining for himself what his duty is.


I am going to Japan


To join a Zen temple


Thus a decision is made for the sake of limiting possibilities. The decision to join Antaiji was made one Winter ago, from a position of power and strength. I was healthy, secure, confident and organized. I etched in stone a decision that I hoped would weather the intermediate periods of time that separated me then from my goal in the future. I still carry that stone, having all but forgot the hand that carved it. I live by a faith in myself, that all of my experiences lead to this. I trust myself. Something so deeply carved and enduring, with the accompanying foresight that I would wane in ambition to fulfill the determination, hardens me that I should fulfill it nonetheless. As mysterious and feather lite a decision it may now seem, I believe joining a monastery was a mature decision which went through a slow, thorough decision making process orchestrated by a wide reaching mind. I salute that mind in its ability to seed the future, even over hostile seas of time.

However, it is up to the captain of the ship, not the mapmaker, to steer as obstacles and challenges arise. It is the skill of living face to face with challenges that now befalls me. The decision of which direction to go has been made. I faithfully follow the decision of my ancestor. Although I grow doubtful of his motivations, I do not doubt his principles nor his insight. I have faith he had a clearer view than I do now. Perhaps I can meet him on the other shore.

I look at this and wonder how it is not immature, reactionary, and lazy. I am not going to find some secret key, or find some paradise of ease. I decided to go when I loved work. I am going for the challenge. I admire the man who climbs mountains not to reach the peak, but to live the climb. I am going to live the climb.

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