Staring at a blank page is a lot like staring at a blank wall; there is emptiness to be filled. It is a white wall that reflects our mind. As we project onto the wall (or the page) there is a tendency to step in and take a directors role, attempting to grab onto the raw phenomenon and use it it ln aome direction. The director serves the egoic desires which love and hate, want and don't wNt, chase and avoid. These egoic tendencies arise from our nature as animate beings in a changing world: the surroundings are changing and we have developed to have powers that help us adjust to an ideal balance point wihin that flux. When hungry, we do not simple wait for sunlight and nutrient richrain; as animals we developed to move ourselves to the point where luck is more likely. So, it is our nature to chase and avoid. Once we see this nature, realize that it is persistent and therefore do not be troubled by our restlessness; paradoxically it lessens our restlessness.
---
I wanted to leave here assoo. As i arrived. I think it would have been ok to, but also ok to stay. Im 30 now. It doesn't really matter if i stay or go; the golden boy with endless light i. His eyes has passed on to the next generation of flesh and i assume the steady role of a maturing oak. I will try, grow, live, love, play, become fascinated and lose interest with life in revolving circles until the wheel teeters Nd falls. Cycles of life, new spring..
--
I wrote just three says after coming to Antaiji:
Death to idyllic hideaways
Lay practice
My pace...but which 'my'?
There are many ways. I don't feel the excessive suffering is necessary. Handling life as it comes is practice enough.
I will regret leaving, because the mind is such. But, every time that regret arises, i will use it to remind myself: "YOU create Antaiji". So i will create mine, day by day.
Vegetarianism, clean air, pure water, wholesome work
All circle empty zazen
Remember why you came:
You were not strong enough to maintain practice on your own;
It takes discipline
Set a schedule for yourself. Make time for the valuable things in life.
Face your failure
Face your life
Take responsibility and be creative
Set a course and follow it
Discipline from within with no one watching; that is bodhicitta
When everyones working, work
If you don't wash them, dry them
Accept who you are, the situation you are in: and then act from that acceptance
I was afraid
Afraid of future
Stand strong into the void
Sit as the world turns
Ango django
And see if i can become a rock
